


"Recoil"

by Vanishershade



Category: Life on Mars
Genre: Brain Injury, Free Verse Poetry, Gene Hunt - Freeform, LOM, Life on Mars - Freeform, M/M, Sam In Institution, Sam Tyler - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-21
Updated: 2012-11-21
Packaged: 2017-11-15 02:42:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/522261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vanishershade/pseuds/Vanishershade
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Long after his trip into 1973, Sam is instintutionalized in 2006, struggling with his memories and trying to resolve the turmoil in his mind.  He recalls everyone from 1973, and realizes that there, he was alive and vital, as well as cared for by a remarkable human being.  This poem is a companion piece to "SHADOWS," which describes Sam's vanishing from 1973 from Gene's perspective.</p>
            </blockquote>





	"Recoil"

“RECOIL”

 

By Vanishershade.

 

This is the follow up to my first poem, “SHADOWS.” If you  
missed it, the premise is thus: that time is always bound to correct itself when its rules are defied. Sam by now has completed his final journey back to 1973, and has been dwelling happily in a past that was not his own. But time finally catches up to Sam, and he finds himself violently swept back to his original timeline. He is left severely traumatized by his unwilling return to 2006, and is left unable to speak and institutionalized. He is on a suicide watch, and his Mother is his only visitor. But Sam is able to remember his extraordinary past, a state which may be worse than having forgotten it.  
I believe that you cannot resist cosmic law, and that Sam was doing just that when he went back to ’73. If you believe that he was really there, then you have to consider this premise.

 

 

“RECOIL”

 

 

This was not always my life.

She thinks I need quiet. Like an invalid.

 

Is that what they see, when they look at me?

 

An ex-person, removed from life, living?

 

But what choice do I have? This is not my world anymore.

 

If I could find the way back…God, I would go!

 

My life was bigger than this.

 

I used to do good, make a difference. Help people, fight crime.

 

My head throbs when I try to consider it now…

 

I don’t know how I came and went. It’s frustrating…

 

It upsets her, when I begin to cry. She thinks somehow it’s her fault.

 

She’s my mum. They think I don’t know her, but I do.

 

So sad, she doesn’t understand. She’s not the problem; I am.

 

And I can’t explain to her or anyone.

 

My tongue won’t work, when I try.

 

Ruth, Gene, I love both of you.

 

Gene, my Gene…you were the largest part of my life,

 

In a past that wasn’t mine, that I reached accidentally.

 

That was more real to me than this pleasant hospital. 

 

Between green hills, the patients in their whites…

 

I detest it here, this place, this body, 

 

That keeps me bound,

 

In silence, uncommunicative.

 

A broken doll.

 

I wander, when I can. Like I think, when I can.

 

Dream of the Force of Nature I’ve left behind. 

 

Eyes of pale nephrite green, lashes so long, the bars of my heart’s dearest cage.

 

So long, he used them to tickle my neck, my cheek…

 

A secret lover’s sacrament.

 

Unbelievably sweet, for a brute.

 

Hands, large and filled with power, as likely to strike,

 

At first,

 

As caress…

A voice that haunts my darkest moments, that awakens yearning.

 

Its roughness gentled to speak my name.

 

I weep; they think I am hysterical. I can’t hold back my grief.

 

They drag me to my room, strap me down.

 

Tranquilizers, needles…I can’t speak. I can only moan.

 

I can’t tell them to leave me alone.

 

I can’t take charge of my life, or escape this fate.

 

I cannot slip this cage of flesh,

 

To return to the only perfect love I have ever known.

 

I am left in darkness. Ruth is sent away.

 

To return when I am not having “a bad day.”

 

I speak no words, though my mind is filled with them.

 

All I have is the memory of your smile,

 

To remind me of the feelings I am shut off from.

 

The only feelings I had that felt real…

 

The tears trickle down the sides of my face.

 

Hot, scalding, despair given form.

 

Gene, I am so sorry.

 

I am lost, trapped in a place that I can’t believe was ever home.

 

I feel it as the fog begins to obscure my reason.

 

Damn their drugs!

 

You do know I would never leave of my own accord?

 

I miss your body, the ways you moved me, shook me,

 

Rocked me, loved me…

 

Is the trip only one way?

 

One miracle to a customer?

 

I am…fading…now…

 

Fog…no, smoke…I can…see you… in the alley,

 

Behind… the Arms. Oh, Gene…I never left you!

 

Hold out the torch. Let me use… its light… to see my way

 

…home… 

 

fin


End file.
